This weekend I visited my Grandmother (whom we’ve always referred to as “Gramma”) in Pembroke Ontario. The ride up was fun, though Rabbit disagrees. She argues that we spent too much of it lost. I would argue we just used the road less travelled. The road less travelled is made up of about 5 feet of two-lane highway, which immediately digresses into one and a half lane tar and stone road, which leads into half a lanes of muddied soil. This would be fine except that the surveyor who originally decided the course of this road was obviously drunk and blindfolded. Armed, no doubt, with a spray paint can and a vague sense of north, he ended up laying plans for a path through the woods that is just slightly more level than thunder-run at Canada’s Wonderland. If road trips were politics, I would have been impeached.
Anyhow once we emerged from the unpleasant bowels of the forest (miles from where I expected us to end up) I faked a desire for caffeine and we pulled into the “Toothless Grin” diner (the names have been changed to protect the inbred). There I reviewed our $20 atlas of North America for the first time this trip. Since non-patrons are not entitled to the restrooms of the “Toothless Grin”, I asked for a coffee and waited around for Rabbit while I reviewed our map. After one sip of my “coffee” I rationalized that the dollar I spent on it was really for the washroom after all and I hurled it into a nearby bush, which promptly died.
Back on the road, we passed numerous “cherry” photo opportunities. These photo opportunities included a huge white chair at least 12 feet high at the back and at least 4.5 feet high at the seat, an LCBO being run out of a trailer (I’m not kidding) and a (wait for it) a stuffed deer in someone’s living room window complete with festive Rudolf glowing red nose. Rabbit would like to add at this point that this was a real (read: previously alive) stuffed deer lovingly relieved of its innards and posed for effect. Sadly I was without trusty disposable Kodak instamatic (with flash) on this and so I cannot offer you proof of any of this.
Most of the road we ended up taking to Pembroke winds it’s way through small mountains past lakes and between rock-cuts. There is a stretch in the middle of the trip that lasts for about 35 kilometres where there is no radio reception of any kind and certainly no cell phone service. Just before you enter the radio black out zone, CBC is broadcasting from one frequency and then switches to another by the time you come out. Most memorable musical moments on the trip included a cut from an album recorded in 1992 by a band called “Lost and Profound” and a sample of the double album “Running back through Canada”, by the newly reunited Guess Who. The latter song was a kicking rendition of “Hand Me Down World”, which has prompted me to seek out this album at the local record store.
Another media moment: Once at Grammas we had dinner and then visited my great uncle Ray and aunt Lois. We sat down to the PBS presentation of “Educating Rita” (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0085478) with Michael Cain and _Julie Walters. If you haven’t seen it this movie is one of the great sleepers of 1983. Set in England It features unending witty repartee and a subtle glimpse of why my co-worker Stuart talks so funny. Amazingly, once we were done watching T.V. we all retired to the kitchen for a delightful discussion of T.V. This turned into an opportunity to share my theory on why I think Canadian politics is churning out better actors nowadays. Back at Grammas, Rabbit hit the sack and Gramma and I poured over her roadmap collection with a highlighter in a vain attempt to demystify the roads between Kingston and Pembroke.
Rose early, ate a famous lunch at a local truck stop and then played cards for the afternoon. On the return trip I discovered that my windshield wipers are inadequate for the task of clearing large chunks of mud hurled by oncoming trucks. Bought and ate a candy-stick thing, as big as my arm. Bought the latest Robert Asprin’s offering from the “Phule’s Company” series. I haven’t any illusions about it being a life-changing book, but it should be fun. Maybe.
