So you want to sing the Blues?

Though I’m feeling good today (so far) I have never had much luck with Fridays. Seriously. Anyway here for your reading pleasure, Blues for a Friday, as contributed by Terry from Korea and dedicated to the late great John Lee Hooker. Spelling liberties intentional.

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman,” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you

stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman with

the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

Then find something that rhymes …sort of: “Got a good woman…with the

meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500

pound.”

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: you stuck in a

ditch, ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don’t

travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues

transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft

and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays

a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin to die yet. Adults

sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the

electric chair if you shot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anyplace

in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago,

St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.

You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male

pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing isn’t the blues.

Breaking your leg cuz a’ alligator be chompin’ on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting

is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d.

bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues: a. ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League

institutions d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you

happen to be a’ old black man, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you’re older

than dirt b. you’re blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can’t be

satisfied.

No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can

see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust

fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger

Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also

got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c.

muddy water d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c.

Snapple d. sparkling water e. double decaf lowfat latte

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues

death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to

die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a

broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis

match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat

River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big

Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can’t sing the

Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name

(see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of

President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

20. I don’t care how tragic your life is: you own a computer, you cannot

sing the blues. You best destroy it — with fire, a spilled bottle of

Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it.

Haul out the ol’ harmionicker ..